Dear Friend,

I think of texting you and calling you, but never find time. I am somehow juggling between my work, upskilling, mental health, physical health, financial sortings, passion, family, relationships, etc Have I missed anything?! I somehow feel I have lost the momentum of the bond we once shared. Even though we get into calls, they end up being funny as we are just sharing our story in past tense and as much as we wish to hear them raw, seems difficult. I am thinking to myself do I truly lack the time, or I do not have the energy; I honestly do not know. Well, I was not a part of the Chandrayan mission, so safe to say I lack the energy! :p Maybe I was drawing most of the energy from you, and let me just let the cat out of the bag, Yes I Miss US. As cliché as it sounds and something we saw coming, we will grow apart due to distance, choice of work, and lack of commonality to resonate with. But, is it so?

Every time I look at an accessory, I am reminded of you. Every time I impulsively buy something I remember how you will roll your eyes and disown me and yet long to show you excitedly. Every time I hear a “you know what” I recall us. Every time someone calls me a bitch face, I am reminded of how you thought am that bitch and now look how far have we come. Every time I win those small devils in my head, I think of you to celebrate them with as only you would be able to understand what it means to me. Every time someone appreciates me I want you to be like don’t fly too much. Every time I am low and life throws gallons of lemons yet another nth time, I wish you were right here to put a fair amount of sugar in my lemonade. Every time birthdaymy nears I wish we could celebrate like old times. Every time I am triggered I wish you were here to let me know why am I triggered as you know from where my neutral networks are mapped to. Every time am condescending myself I wish you were here to hype me up and shut the inner voice. Every time I am tired of putting up the brave face,showingw courage, be independent, and run in this never ending loop of “I have got my shit together” and run, I miss you who would just understand it all from that one look on my face. Everyone asks why is it a big deal for me, and why am I the way I am I just go look “abh shuru se sabh kon bathayega” In short, every time I miss you. To give you a context of how it feels, it is like having paralysis. Having the friends, my all body parts well within reach but yet not able to have them functioning.

I now wonder what can I do to make you happy, what can I surprise you with. How can I get the momentum back. I have no answers honestly. Ofcourse, I agree with the line “we left right where we stopped” but you know…. it is still not the same yar! So this letter to you, as I want you to know you are the treasure I own and am super proud Maybe be now I no longer have words to console you. I know me mentioning to be there right here doesn’t help as much as me being beside you. Problems and crises we both are facing are way serious and delicate. Telling me stories in past tense is not what you like. You have legit grown and there is nothing that I can console you with or perhaps hard truth is we can for sure live without each other. But, just a quick question are you living for now or tomorrow?

Hope that did not pinch you. We are all in this phase of running around, You must be finding it hard to get through with your job, you might be going through a breakup, you must be stepping into a new phase of life, moving countries, battling with your self as no one understands you and you do not have the capacity to explain it to them. I know you are capable of it all and can handle anything coming your way. But, yet I just wanted to write this letter and assure you, you are loved and cared for from a distance. You are thought of every moment I have a good or bad phase. You are imagined and a wide smile is what paints my bitch face. You are the reason I can overcome the quarter-life crisis, as I recall your exact narrative in the tone you had told me back then. You are the reason I do not give up when someone tries to pull me down. You are the reason am revalidated and assured in this competitive world. You are the reason therapy is comparatively cheaper! :p

Before I bid goodbye to you, please know am there right here impersonating a mirror of the old you. To present to you how far have you come. To show you how much YOU have left behind which was so little of you and more of the noise. I am here to show you how beautiful and strong you are growing day by day. I am here to let you know people may be judging and evaluating you based on your today, but I know and have seen all the phases you have passed by and walked out like a boss. Do you know how much of hope it is to the broken, to the flawed, to the younger you? So please do not beat yourself up, or think to yourself why am I even breathing, or what am I even doing, and what sense does this all make, or anything along these lines. (#aduluting, these phrases are like substitute to our childhood mandate bed time stories) I am here to give you that cushion to fall on. I am here to give you the space to just forget the world and come to rest. I am here with open wide arms to give you a hug without questions asked. I am here to smile at you when you are tired of seeing those fake smiles. I am here when it feels underwaters. I am here, right here. Here may be figurative, may be you cannot call or meet me. But, but just close your eyes, and think of meeee and trust me you will feel your jaws wide touching your cheeks (if not we need to talk boss! 🙂 love you friend!!!