Grateful

As we lead our lives and evolve each day, what do you think is important to you?

For me it is conversation. Meaningful Conversation. I love it when I have conversations, be it with myself (yes I talk to myself, works well with earphones on incase in crowded area), or anyone who gets where am coming from and has the patience to listen with a evolved PFC (pre frontal cortex) to accept the perspectives. In our 20s, life for sure gets busy, naturally we cannot make time for every single person in our life almost everyday. It is difficult to prioritize, also when there is an ample amount of chaos in one’s life. We ourselves are trying to figure out things and get our shit together, so in this state to take someone else’s shit seems uncompromising. Am grateful for one person off late, who is quite complementary to my routine life, Chaithra aka @ToUncage, yes we have a ball of a time together.

We do podcasts, we do insta lives, you know how? we have created two accounts and friended each other only, bingo private insta live you guys! 🙂 We talk over anything under the sun. We are under the same umbrella of profession – Engineers, but it gets funneled to different streams from there, however it is always insightful and nourishing to our souls while we hang out.

We love discussing about anything that is sulking us, new thoughts that creep in, overthinking thoughts, shows, movies, k series(uffffff we though speak Korean language with each other, chincha :p), we talk hours over some quotes we liked, phrases, Kenny’s podcast (simple Ken, if you wondering who it is, I emphasize with you, my child you missing on intellectual food for soul), songs, travel, etc.

She works on herself, does all that it takes to become a better version of herself, I have legit seen her grow in less than 2 years. Kathak, meditation, writing a blog to reach 100 posts soon, journaling, and many more feathers to her cap. It is commendable indeed. She takes time to listen to me, have conversations, understand the perspective and there is no advice sort of thing but suggestions and musings most often which leads to a peaceful sail through the storm. Now today, ain’t her birthday or so. She sure will wonder what is up with me for being so giving….hahahaha :p

Thank you Chai, love you….to many more conversations and insights. Cheers! (more like a bribe to continue hearing me out?)

Onwards and Upwards….

Love and Hugs, (more to chai today…)

Said thanks to Words ?

Witnessed the waves near a sea during a storm?

Gushing wind during a storm?

Drive along a loopy hill station route?

Overeating saga on a birthday or party?

Not being able to pee, as no clean washroom found?

Okay I will stop else my examples will go on in a different dimension altogether, evidently!

The after effects of the above mentioned phases, that is once the storm is passed, the destination is reached, the stomach digests, the urination is done( I have put it so lamely) that is when it feels like AHHHH… moment of calmness, and an effortless smile that just stays put 🙂

Those are the feels, I get while I see words being formed on the screen, while I type them now. How beautifully they are shaping themselves here giving meaning to the clutter in my mind. They are compassionately grouping with fellow words they do not like may be, but just agreeing on it for my peace, bounding themselves along a sentence, caged they might feel by the full stop, and the exclamations might make them go all high and grounded at the same time? I don’t know.

I would take a moment to thank you words, ironically thanking you with words itself (more like how I thank mom with her own shared recipe or dad with his own money :p, hey but efforts are mine no? ) for you exist and my smile exists, for giving me a sense of empowerment and feeling of contentment.

Love and Hugs, this time to the words :p

Intuitions

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  credit – Freddy ‘s Instagram post (@freddy_birdy)

While I read something, watch something, or hear someone, I go like ah this is something I thought along earlier, this tweaked a little more would sound better, this went a bit above the bar etc.

Who am I even, to sit and judge their content? Did you direct and present it out there like that person did? Nope, came the answer from within! That was about it.

Implementing your intuitions is what makes it to an applause is what I have began to think. We have hundreds who talk, we don’t need another of you! While we move our ass and get things done and initiate the process, that is when you understand the journey behind it. It is not easy, it is not at all pleasant to top it all. But it is definitely worth. And boy, luck favors the brave.

Put in your efforts today for something you strongly believe and have an intuition towards, as small as writing a blog just because you got that idea for it. Oppsie, I guess my mind chatter came along in words in this blog :p

Love and Hugs,

Angst

The Calm Before Storm

The moment double ticks become blue;

The moment covid intro is done on call;

The moment greetings are done;

The moment your jaws hurt;

The moment appreciation walks in;

That is the summit of your anxiety, what is it that is going to happen next?! Contrary to our life earlier, as kid – when exams, new class, different divisions, surprise disciplinary checking gave us similar feels.

Life diversifies and so does our fears.

But along it, something which is common is we probably do not want to be alone. Younger age it was more to do with our best friends being with us in same division as us, or failing along with us, not having completed the homework so we be punished together, or while the groups are formed (counting in pattern of 1,2,3 – shifting positions to be in the same group).

But as we grow is it the same?

It is more along, how do I sound more cool, more fun, more mature, more financially stable, more happy! But mind you, when the other person begins to share their grief, you want to top that as well and share your grief which is more painful and needs immediate attention apparently! Meanwhile when you are alone sitting in a corner, you are being afraid of laughing a little more that day, may be that would reduce the happiness of tomorrow and fetch you sorrow? Comparing your CTC with the other, cross checking on the growth patterns along with your friends assets, etc. and you know it better.

Pretty contrary and unwanted feels, not sure which are better though, that is for you to decide.

love and hugs,

How are you?

P1:Hello dude, How are you?

P2: I am good, How are you?

P1: I am well too

Typical initiators of every conversation we have these days? In our head, we will be wondering, oh what does she/he want from me now, or another marriage invitation? :p

Sometimes it also become a rhetorical question. How are you, I need xyz to be done asap. Exit. This is how some conversations happen as well. Why did we become this insensitive? I am guilty too. There is more to the “how we are actually doing”. Life is more descriptive than “good”, “well”, “fine”. It deserves a better narration, common! 🙂

What is going in life, what is bothering you, what are you excited about, what is it that made you sad, what is that you are longing for, what is it that you loved doing recently, etc. these could be some pointers to speak around and discuss on just incase you feel you do not know how to initiate it :p

I agree, pragmatically this won’t work with everyone. May be your skype/teams conversations won’t be able to accommodate how your life is going, but while talking to your friends or closed ones it would make sense to genuinely focus on how you are doing, listen to how they are doing and speak about it.

It is beautiful feeling to feel understood and understand.

So, how are you reader? ;p

love and hugs,

Don’t read!

Read somewhere now, write like no one is reading. So imma putting disclaimers quite obediently.

So what stops me from writing I asked, as I used to write a lot few years back. It was the flooding of writeups I saw everywhere, be it insta, whatsapp, fb, twitter, stories, posts, etc all platforms just had people’s writeup. Not condescending anyone or thinking high about myself, but most of the opinions people had (which supposedly they personally think is ultimatum) are baseless, borrowed thoughts from mainstream ideologies. Everybody was expressing their feels completely unaware they are each other’s reasons to express in the first place. That’s when I took a break from writing and stopped reading a lot of such opinions.

Now, that’s when I analysed and realised wait a second, am I writing in the hope that my opinions are meant to be relatable? Who am I writing for and why?what type of content am I feeding on? Who gave me the right to sit and judge these “people” last thing I remember is having an engineering degree and not any other. When I was looking for anwers around this I realised, lol and took back my pen and started writing. Yes, I love giving those thoughts in my head a beautiful path to flow and let it rest in peace atleast in books. Let them have the privilege of closure atleast? 😛 this way more thoughts get some space in my upper storey and it’s a good outflow inflow that happens. I remain insanely sane. And that’s my end goal anyway. That’s when I started reading the stories, writeups of people and no it’s not bad now. So the realisation is, if at all you are feeling negative about something may be then pause and look within. What is your trigger and address the flaw in you. No, not that the people around you can’t be wrong, it’s just that we are no one to judge the other persons’ flaws and got no time to enter a never-ending exponentially justifiable perspectives from individual lens where everyone claims to be right always. Rightly so.

I addressed mine, it’s never better since. Lots of such realisations will drop in, stay stunned. Did you just say ok?wait I told u not to read no?!

Love and Hugs,

Static

When in chaos you know there is way out;

When things move slow, you know it is the uphill;

When you have questions, answers are in front of you, but to implement it you don’t have the strength or courage;

When lost you know there are hints around, but you are drained out to find them;

When motivated it is a rush of adrenaline to get all done today, and when demotivated you want to just leave the knot that has held it all together.

You want it done in a particular way, but you don’t seem to find that click yet, or feel the spark yet and continue flowing;

You want to fly but not sure how to take off;

You feel static;

It is okay, let’s build the potential energy and someday it shall kick to kinetic energy!

Love and Hugs,

Different

Nothing remains same, in other words change is constant. Cliche hotha agar meh change is constant likthi title meh and I do not like anything mainstream, so different it is! lol. So what I mean by nothing remains same is, emotions, thoughts, health, lifestyle, relationships everything keeps changing and you don’t really feel same on a daily basis, rather it keeps fluctuating. I don’t mean I like someone less anymore, or I don’t live happily anymore or anything along this. What I mean is it keeps varying for me, highs and lows kind of a wave. So I allow myself to feel. And also allow myself to act as per I feel. Yes, not all the times I can succeed with this hack, but I get through most of the times so it’s fun!

I need my own space and time to breathe through the chatter in my mind. So I like being alone, I like listening to my instincts, I like to do what I feel like doing at any given time. So this doesn’t really work well when you already plan certain things for yourself or with someone, for me it will just be a failure. Not life goals and all, am talking about short term plans. I like instant plans and am up for it depending on how I feel at that moment. Mostly I be up for anything, but there are days I don’t wanna do much, then I love giving myself the liberty to chill. Rarely happens when I fall in the second category though :p

Learning to embrace it. Acceptance is the best blender with change. Being flexible around change is when you can accept it all, the way it comes and feels, own it and that is it. It isn’t so easy for me to be honest. May be because I have these tiny miny expectations that certain things need to happen a certain way etc. But in this time and age we live, nothing can really be predicted or expected. I am not really saying I have nil expectations from life or people, I would be kidding myself. I do reach a lower peak in the graph and may feel sad, have a different kinda day for few days. But only when you in silence do you learn to enjoy the tunes of life, else after a point it feels like noise to me. Post eating an amla it feels sweet right? Similarly I don’t mind feeling pain or sadness. It is needed for me to come back with a bang… Also my vocal chords get some rest which is good, else uff the unlimited strain I put on it, poor thing :p

I did not write for few days now, because I did not feel like. Today I felt like, and here I am. It is this liberty I enjoy. May sound so small but it feels free. Not like am bound to do it. This is what they call passion? Giving the soul some freedom… May be not sure but I enjoy it whatever it is.

Love and Hugs,

Inshorts cont..

So my friend called for the beach visit in the mornig and kithna excited ho gayi meh, went to mom and told her ki ja rahe kal subah, yes asking permission? that shit doesn’t work bro! Coming back to our excitement, that we were thinking of taking mat, sandwiches etc lol… so whole night was just excited, anyways had to be up due to work so it was no big deal. Just that dopamine in abundances, felt fresh, some sort of freedom from the otherwise neverending chatter in the mind. Got done with shift and then i stand in my balcony to peep around ki aur kaun jagah hai! lol yes i do that, just to see who is an early bird. Man and then i see the horizon, what a beautiful view it was, streak cloud, attached the picture here too. Ofcourse the camera did not do justice to the actual scene,soothing and calm, just accepting my admiration and not bombarding me with any questions rather reciprocating warmth! More like all my chaos traveled to space and refraction happened post which Total internal reflection and boom i do not have my chaos anymore! If i remember the terms and the technicality of it right then woah else forgive me :p

Dressed up and then was about to leave but mom got up, she is scared of waters so came to remind me not to go to waters another time(read it as 100th) and then i see her balcony, my gosh the clouds formed some candy. I was screaming and showing her the same to which she goes like roz aise hi hotha hai fyi, am like fine go sleep!

I went down walking and songs on my earpods, ah what a feeling….walked down towards my friends place(yes the same one i said who stays few meters away in my previous blog) and i see so many people walking, good to see people active and lively(and a part of me went like abse meh bhi jaldhi utungi subah aur walks peh ahungi, and then i tripped. Yes that is my inner me saying bhak!)

Reached my friends place, 3 of my friends came and overflow of oxytocin happened….warm hugs and love! Ah, sigh! We then go to the beach, see people surfing, do yoga, walk, cycle…fresh scenes and good vibes. Also, morning we can greet people no? like it did not feel like staring at someone or so, it was warm greetings,.. 🙂 My friend got some snacks and juice, we had it, talking and listening. Poor girl gets no time to brush also, sleeps like post 40 hours and what not. So it was good to see her get some free time and relax. We then got back, went for breakfast, she shared some more stories of work and MD, uff life is difficult indeed for them. But am sure it will all be worth it sooner than we know.

Got back and caught up on sleep, my aunt wanted to see us so she came over, made her nice coffee and chilled. Then mom and she exchanged plants etc which i stayed out from :p

Love and Hugs,

Inshorts

So the night shift continues, I got up by noon as a result, lazing around the house just moving my ass from bed to sofa and back! But I like it as well, not something I can do always, So this feels like luxury and privilege so imma okay with it 🙂

We were having guests today after real long, not just that it is pandemic and hence less visitors, but in general people stopped visiting each other if no occasion I guess? So I went to get them some eatery. Went to a donut shop and got the two cute dolls donuts as they love it. Then to a bakery and post it to a store specifically as I knew they had some offer on juice items ( yes I am calculative that way) so I bought the stuff and while I was billing, the lady at the counter seemed to be struggling to get my bill printed and I was getting annoyed as she could just use some other counter to bill or just let me know there is some issue and that I need to wait. She just went on banging the printer! Okay ya evidently I got pissed, anyways for no reason cranky thi meh aaj, so I got triggered! Now finally when I get the bill I see it is more than I expected (yes I mentally calculate a rough estimate before billing) that’s when I realised she had charged me extra for the juice and I mentioned the same to her saying the tag at the juice section reads some discount and it isn’t reflecting on the bill. She denied and says the machine is right ma’am, so i mentioned the tag is wrong get it checked then, so she goes (and within no time is back, and the juice section is quite far which means she didn’t go there itself) she gets back and goes like no ma’am it is correct. Then i walked her to the juice section and showed her the tag, not one but so many all being incorrect! Then she goes like oh it is wrong here and just acts like no big deal and stop making a fuss for few rupees!I continue to seek some explanation and she goes like machine data is right, sometimes it happens etc and not at all apologetic towards it. Technically i could just return it, but i ofcourse knew it was no big deal, but was amazed at how confident and chill she was. If i was at her place i would just freak out for no reason, and be like on sorry ma’am the product is on me and just overthink the situation and imagine being fired! I know right, so it wasn’t about the counter lady, i just observe how people react and how it would be different had it been me! uff! Anyway in my broken kannada told her to please change the tags and not fool people! Confidence and self esteem is a whole new blog in itself, some other day 🙂

I was feeling sleepy so thought will catch up on some sleep, while random calls kept me up(some telemarketing) and yet again the phone rang, was annoyed but saw the guest who i was expecting later in the evening, she calls to ask my size as she wanted to buy me something. Gosh, i said nahi nahi, please don’t take the trouble, but ofcourse she did not listen! Then they arrived later in the evening, what lovely tops they bought me and for sis, was so cute and loved it, felt like someone is pampering me like some kid ( common jab chote teh thab aise cute gifts milthe teh, abhi kahan) so i loved loved it. Enjoyed with the kids, and just chilled with them. A whole different vibe altogether, hoping for many such. I like visiting people and chilling this way, but with those who won’t eat my head about work or marriage topics and just let me be.

Then guess what happens, my friend calls up asking if am ok to visit the beach in the morning around 6. I am like sureeeee(yes i did have a night shift, but beach in the morning is a different feeling and experience, and that too would school buddies, anytime!) So i shall keep this short and continue in the next blog. This blog was drafted yesterday tho, but could not publish as i got busy.

Love and Hugs,

Day

I woke up by noon as I did a night shift. Direct had lunch, mom had made such yummy food (ofcourse she doesn’t know it was yummy, because hum kahan express karthe hai? thabhi tho blog hai bhai! :p) tho had it acche se and then read newspaper, thoda book and wrote my journal – on the same topic the book read about, asking “the start with the end in mind” So i had to gather down how i would wish my fam, friends, work colleagues, and church org would give me an eulogy while am on the death bed, cool no? Wrote it down and did not read the book further yet, but nice pointers I have now. Will carry on the book in a while.

Meanwhile my school friend is back, so i went to meet her after a year, pehle 1000m ki dhoori meh rehthe teh and abh all changed. We met after a year. We both were just smiling and talking like there is no one watching, and just enjoying the moment. Ah, how i loved it. Thank god for such friendships 🙂 We dropped by school, as usual. And I got overwhelmed and went like can we go back to school and start over? And my friend gives me a stare and I get back to reality! That being said, I realise how certain things we imagine and blurt out just because we have seen it in a lot of films or heard about it too often? Ofcourse muje phirse 10th and 12th exams nahi dene bhai, and engineering tho kathai nahi!

College days were the best of days; IT world sucks; colleagues ain’t friends; everyone forgets you once you earn; you are on your own; people come to you only in need; it is give and take; marry at the right age and settle; go abroad for higher studies etc etc
I can go on and on but these paradigms don’t seem to end. But I realised we have been engraved in these thoughts at the back of our mind. We all don’t consciously seem to accept it but we believe this somewhere and we react accordingly, because we have been hearing it all through our lives. I am working on un-learning it, as I have accepted it that few thought process do flow which I don’t find appropriate. I know for a fact that certain miss conceptions run behind my back and subconsciously they trigger me sometimes. Acceptance is done, now it’s working time to get it cleared. May be I won’t get rid of it completely, but atleast so much so that I can handle it and least allow it to affect my state of mind and cause no judgements towards oneself or others!

For eg – These blogs are so liberating because I have given myself the liberty of being vocal without really trying to be politically right or have the whole write up bang on. It is completely vague, bizarre, eccentric and sometimes quirky. I want it to be so, I want it to be me. Only when the container is used up, washed completely, dried and refilled does the worth of the container be seen. Similarly my life would make no sense if I don’t really stay real to my feelings and live in accordance with it. It needs to be filled with experiences, memories, and relationships. These are all nurtured only when I can truly be myself and just let it flow. I am not going to allow any shallowness around in this container, no bubbles of regrets for sure, no contamination of ego, anger, jealousy or any of these (meh muh peh bhol dungi unko ki bhai kya gazab zindagi hai teri karke, so this doesn’t consider as jealousy and all ok ? Common am human afterall! ) It is so peaceful this way.

Love and Hugs,

Walk

So today, i went for a walk rather early because i have night shift this week. First time i walked at around that time of the hour, all bright and sun about to set. Beautiful scene it was, sun looked magical from every angle, be it behind that cocunut tree or behind the roof top, must say, kaafi photogenic boss!

So while i go for walks, i go on different paths everyday. Not really exploring new ways, I do know all the ways pehle se hi. Just that I take different routes. So today i took another one, mostly inner lane so involved many houses. They share same compounds bro. Kaise kar lethe hai? If i was staying one of the house pakka they would boycot me for my loud talks. Also, these nossy aunties may not leave anyone to live in peace no? Ki job hai na bache ka? shadhi kab kar raha? WFH hai kya abhi? Kal rath der se aya wapas na? and many other stupid gossips! Arrey aunty kudh karlo dhuabra shadhi agar ithna interest hai tho!

But good thing also happened, met a school teacher. She was young and unmarried when she joined school, i guess she might be 10 years older to me or little less. Today she is married and has two kids. Uff! She was so happy to see my after so many years, may be nearly 6 to 7 years. She complained i did not come back to school to meet them, that she still remembers how good a child i was(ok she said the whole batch was, but phir bhi :p), she did not teach me but remembers me as i was in the cabinet so she had watched me from far apparently. She asked me where am working and how am i doing and when i intend to marry! (yes i will get back to job and marriage topic as well separetely, important topic hai bhai mere zindagi ka abhi) She was like why are you walking and panting like this? Look at you, so thin already, you will fly. Don’t walk kal se, ithna kaafi hai! Am like nahi else how i will meet you :p

But i enjoy walking, i see drunk people fallen road peh, yes out of all things am stating this because everyday i see one dude, usko bhi zindagi hi bholthe hai?…hmm may be. I feel sad also though, but reminds me of how different people live differently. I love watching the spectrum of lifestyle, how at one side one person is worried of being unable to get himself a meal while the other one is annoyed since he had to get down and ask for a coconut juice and the guy could not offer him at his seat while he pulled down the window. Struggles!

And then I almost was about to die, kyunki full on song rakha and was happily walking forgotten am on the road, and I almost got run into a vehicle. But zinda hunh, shayedh thoda baki hai abhi karne ke liye, so imma go find out that ok, cya 🙂

Love and Hugs,

When you get distant…

Yo,

So that is writing to me, at one point of time I used to love writing all my thoughts down. It is the best way to channelize your thoughts which otherwise would go round and round in your head and consume your energy and make you feel all tired and dead. And then you are left wondering how do you feel so worked up without even having done anything.

There came a phase where life diverted the lanes of adventure and I turned numb to many things, one being letting go off my thoughts. Keeping them stagnant and not allowing it to flow. More like potential energy building up and not the otherwise available kinetic energy.

Ever experienced this where life is happening to you and meanwhile you turn numb to almost all things around you, you do not get excited as before, your enthusiasm is on an off keying protocol, you do not have the same energy, you lack interest in many things. Basically some form of tiredness where you just feel monotonous and numb. Wherein life is all good, not like you are facing any problems or issues but you just feel blah and silence becomes a commoner in you daily life.

Speak out or write it all down!

That is when the ball of unattended thoughts boils down and it flows away and you start finding sense, connecting the dots, and analyzing the situation. Otherwise it is just emotions welled up in your upper storey and you feel all weighed down because the energy ain’t flowing. If you feel nobody gets you and you cannot basically relate to anyone at the first place to even start a conversation leave alone sharing your musings then just put up your earbuds and go for a walk with your self. Yes walk and talk to yourself, address yourself as that friend you always wanted in your life and go on, speak out, and this way your emotions are now been cared logically and it shall make sense and feeling of relief will come in. I tried and tested this, works like magic.

So let us figure out what was that one thing you loved doing the most, you loved talking about, something which you kept fantasizing all through. Let us get it back, let us let the potential energy flow into kinetic energy, else I am afraid it shall explode when triggered someday. So no, let us not allow it and behne dethe hai? deal?

Ps. This post was drafted back in 2019 and I did not publish it. Today I am 🙂

Love and Hugs,

Just another one…

In continuation to my previous blog, I intend to share my inquisitive mind -thoughts here. I always love talking rather yapping my friends call it! :p

I always have so many stories to share, been a keen observer all through so I can get along in any story and find my way through. At times I start telling a story and totally take it to something else, and I mislead it finally losing the track, ah how bad I feel for the other person :p I then feel guilty if I ruined it for the other person or did I give enough listening ear to them(so almost post every meet or call i used to send out a text to my friends seeking validation if i was overboard). Since it is my close buddies where I behave in this manner to am cool, I guess I can exploit and take the liberty no? what say? i take it as a yes!

That said and done, I miss my people now. Nope, not having some rifts or so, but sadly getting into the zone or rather new phase of life where everybody is making a living for themselves. We are done with that phase where we are told what to do next or basically the paradigm of society needs are fulfilled I can say. Anymore it is how you choose to live and continue the sanity.

I miss my friends, meeting them on a daily basis, eventually turned to weekly meetings, monthly, then now yearly! Darn it! I miss those never ending conversations, lame talks, and basic issues we all had. Though we did not feel free back then, we did not feel complicated like now either. Back then, too I had worries, but this feels new and more real. Now life is unveiling, saying this is it! Move your ass else you will fall behind, it says….help no?! NO? this is only how adults are? ok, if you say so!

No i do not really feel am in any race or so. But i feel the urge to do something continously, i feel i lack a lot, i get angst about the way technology is evolving, finance, life in general where my dear ones are getting older, fear of losing them, just a feeling this moment won’t return & being more exposed to the real world as mostly on your own now, it is all basically getting real! I can go on writing separate blogs on each of these topics, which i might as well,.. i told you lots to speak!, yes yes gear up bud!

You know what is the best part, I am accepting it. I am facing it. Most importantly I am starting to own it….yaay to that! Words are such a cool invention no?.., perhaps it is the gift given to feelings. Words and feelings are made for each other? let us say that? or cliche huha kya?…hahha…because if not for words i would not know how to reciprocate the chaos in my mind. Thank god for it, glad i can express it here and that i feel light as well. Lot of things coming up here stay tuned ok? thankssss you! Smiled? thoda you can, won’t hurt the last time it did, 🙂 also, say welcome no? no one says these days and poor thing might feel lonely just like the way i do? saw that segue coming? hahah bullshit ik! Imma watch too much K drama now, hence i guess…fine still better than shit bollywood ok?!

Why is it that some of us feel too much or always have so much to share? Ok me only, why do i always have so many stories to everything, any topic and i am curious on it..also, i am always asked why do not i publicly write in quora or insta…it is because I am not ready with the perfect knowledge i guess. I mean i have a perspective, and i write from its point of view. While the other person reading won’t have that and would have a counter for it, and i personally do not wish to sit and school the person about it, nor am i so evolved also to just ignore it or not allow it to bother me! Hence i refrain, once i get a good politically right and chill post or so then imma put it out, else i am very happy here! 🙂

I shall end my general blog here now, will start off topicwise henceforth may be, dekhenge,..bye yo… smile for it did not hurt no when you tried it while i told you to a little while ago? did you just smirk? saying who even followed what you said? isshh why so mean yo? koi na i will smile on your behalf 🙂

Love and Hugs ,

Rejected backspace

After multiple back spaces here I am finally not deleting this blog.

Why did I delete you ask? Because I find it not worthy enough to be published.

Who even reads you ask? My Stats says nill.

Why do I then care you ask? Because I know I can do better and that perfect picture of me which is capable enough is drawn in my head and I want the same to be on the site.

But, that is too much…you are boasting about youself a little too much now. Hmm may be, if it seems like so, so be it. The same when we watch in movies, where one character is all low and walking alone all disheartened finds another character saying hey you have much more in you which you need to explore is all accepted by us and we find it cute as well. Then why wait for someone who does that for you? Cut to chase, I decided I would do it for myself.

Welcome guys to this version of me which is not yet there where she imagined to be but is taken the pledge today to be there someday in future may be and has come to understand that she has to start to get there in the first place. Pushing days saying someday it will all work makes no sense anymore. Because I personally do not know how many more days or day I have. And the last thing I would want is to look back in regrets.

If you ask me if I then not regret looking back now, that 2020 most of it I did not do much, wasn’t productive or so, nope – I don’t regret I took a break rather a hibernation from lot of things. I am happy as I got myself to breathe through the molecules of neverending chaos around in my brain. I am now having the energy to atleast accept, and talk about it.

To name a few, I stopped reading news, refrained ted, motivational, inspirational content, writing on quora, quotes, talking to people, having opinions, stopped working on few skills I used to work prior on, and many more things. I never saw this side of me before. Ofcourse I always had lows, I call life sinusoidal wave anyway – but the lows didn’t really go on for this long. It has been months now where I remained stagnant. Started hating myself for it and it did infuriate me frankly. To my excuse of course I was overworked, new project, thanks to corona, had to work from home and found it difficult with ansence of colocation, I had to face the pandemic uncertainty around, and live my life …. was very difficult, was worried would just give up and leave. But I did not. Thank gof for it. I just gave myself the gift of “it is okay” no pressure if you feel the water is upto the brim and you have no space for any further movement and want to keep it in equilibrium so be it. I accepted this and man what a relief it is, quite liberating honestly!!

While in my break, I started accepting the feelings and just let it be. That is when I remembered I had this blog, where I started off saying “let it flow” and got back to write.

I always have this drive to be perfect at something and then share it around, which is fine when I might be impacting some larger audience. This one is clearly not, I ain’t promoting it and most of all it is anonymous, hahaha!

Anyway, so imma going to just start. I started a certification yesterday , started my walks, started my blog, subscirbed for newspaper and somehow the start made sure I gained something as well and it is fab.

I want to do lot of things, too many things to work on, to learn, to explore, to unlearn…but I lacked the enthusiasm towards it, was not effervesent as before. I missed myself there, but imma back now. Feels good to be here and just start.

Now while I write, I am overpoured with emotions and want to just go on writing, yeh bhi likhna hai woh bhi likhna hai, (yes hindi would pop in between please don’t mind – ps, ik there is no audience but just incase you are the lucky one? )

I am going to click on publish now, happy new year in advance love. A start to a new decade, live it the way you would like to memorise & narrate t to your grandkids some day! 🙂

Love and Hugs,